A close friend just got dumped (her choice of words in the matter). But saying it that way adds a throw away, comic tone to it, and she is definitely not treating the situation lightly and she is most certainly not laughing. I happened to phone her this evening and caught her 10 minutes after she came home from being informed her relationship was over as the other party was no longer interested in participating and had, in fact, already gone out and found a new team mate. Actually, I had called her earlier and left what I thought was a cute message sung to the tune of the Meow Mix commercial, but in hindsight, it was rather foreboding. Some of my lyrics included phrases like "are you sitting all alone/listening to me singing on your phone/wishing I would go away and not sing ditties this way" (or something to that effect). Sad thing was, when she got home and heard it, it's probably exactly what she was thinking. Fuck off. I am alone. And your song is stupid.
I offered what I could, which wasn't much as her sorrow was a fresh slap in the face. I also have a huge mark weighted upon me in the matters of consoling a friend in the recent throes of a break up.
I'm married.
At my age, and in our circle of friends, I am in the majority. I have found my life partner. I am married and we share a home and we travel together and raise our felines together. I have someone to sleep with and safely have sex with, someone to argue with and storm out on and come back to and get over it and understand one another better as a result of. My beautiful, intelligent, giving, independent, witty friend really wants that, and yet her track record shows no promise. We are not 18 anymore. It's not a matter of partying and going to university and grooving the weekends away at the beach and meeting tons of people and having fun and taking your pick of the crop. Now it's serious business and it only gets more difficult. How do you get the first date? And if you succeed the first step, there are only so many times you can be willing to be so raw and vulnerable when out on that first, second and third date. Reveal too much, you scare them away. Reveal too little then tell them on the 5th date, you scare them away. It's scares me just imagining myself starting all over again.
And of course my beautiful, witty friend is left wondering the inevitable - what is wrong with me? I can honestly say - nothing. She's not perfect. She'd been around for more than 30 years. You gain a few battle wounds in those decades. Some heal and are set aside, character builders if you will. Others...well, they make you real. Human. Open minded. And of course my intelligent, independent friend has some wounds, some flaws, some very human qualities. But she would make a wonderful partner. She is so willing to listen and learn about others. To see beyond and continue down a path of new. But she seems to have difficulties attracting the same. And at the end of it all, she is left with questions. Why didn't I see this coming? What is it about me? Why do I keep choosing to be in the no chance relationship?
She thinks maybe it's just not in the cards. Or maybe therapy will help. But she is really sad. Sad for what never seemed to be there, sad for what she keeps missing out on. Sad she is the only one among us still looking and hoping.
I heard that sadness tonight from three provinces away and I cried.
9 comments:
:-( I hope this is some of your fiction. If not, I wish some comfort for your friend.
Rotten timing on leaving your little ditty on her voicemail. One of those times you wish you could rewind life a bit.
Well said. It really is sad and unfair. I hope she doesn't give up; the right person WILL come along eventually.
I've been deferring my comment, because I was concerned it might be misconstrued. I'm not as convinced as L that the "right one" is out there. For your beautiful, intelligent, giving, witty friend's sake, I'd like her to find someone who values her qualities and complements her, since that seems to be her heart's desire. But I'd like equally to see an end to the societal attitude that portrays couples as "haves" and singles as "have-nots." Maybe, in addition to pushing an economy of consumerism (storyofstuff), some unseen powers are pushing an economy of non-singleness.
Julie, I totally agree with you. But it's so easy for us to say that as we are married/with partners. And I wanted to convey that in my blog, but was too focused on the sad parts of it all (in my writing that is.. not necessarily in my mind..although I was sad for her..anyhoo!).
It's no different than my having to defend my choice of not having children. Just because society says I should...
Anyway, yes, I agree. But what do you do if you really want that? Argh...this is a long conversation waiting to be had. wanna come to Bowen island??
I hear you, Siobhan. There are a lot of amazing people who are single but would like to be paired, and it hurts to see them hurting. And I didn't mean to be discouraging--I do know of people who have met their matches much later in life. I'd just like to see that stigma around singleness removed, especially because I have this feeling that the expectation for everyone to fall into couplehood exacerbates the pain. As you point out: easy for me to say, I'm on the flip side.
Sure, I'll visit Bowen Island if you'll visit Ottawa. Or maybe we should meet in the middle--Winnipeg?!
btw, did you ever go to Oakenwald for grade school?
Julie! I never know where to respond to your comments - my blog or yours??
I DID go to Oakenwald..Kindergarten and grade one..then Crane...do we know each other???
Ok, I hate to be a shit, but I don't know how much help you can be with relationships if you can't even spell the word Relationships. :-] Sorry for pointing that out - I've been holding it in long enough.
hahahahahahaha! Hilarious Dan!! I never even noticed!!!
I noticed, but I thought it might be intentional, as in "getting real."
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