Sad

It's dark gray. The sky. Its low and heavy with rain waiting to let go of its contents. The wind picks up, churning leaves across the rocky beach. White caps dance ferociously on the sea. I am the only one down here. The only one to find peace in the approaching storm. You can hide your tears in the rain on your face, your sobs in the howl of the wind. My dad is working late at the clinic, taking care of the island's beloved pets. He thinks I am at home watching tv. That's okay. I don't need him to worry.

Three days ago mom put me on the ferry with a simple phone call to dad. It was his turn. Mom was done. Mom had a boyfriend. Kids get in the way of fucking your boyfriends. Too much guilt. Surprising how there is no guilt when you give up your kid. Only when you forget to come home and make them dinner or forget to go to a parent teacher interview or forget that they even exist. Guilt eats away at you until you get rid of it.

Here comes the rain. It feels good. It feels like I am being rinsed off. I cry when the rain falls. My jeans, wet and heavy, stick to my legs and that's okay. At least they stick to me. The sky melts into the sea. Gray and dark and alive. Together.

I scream into the wind and run down the beach, rain pelting me, fast and furious. I am the rain. I am the sky and the sea and white caps and the sky. Fast and furious and yelling. I am the storm. What kind of fucking mother goes and leaves her kid? What kind of fucking mother takes the guy over her daughter? I hate you! I hate you,Rebecca!

I am exhausted when the rain begins to back off, headed to the bay on the other side. My throat hurts and my chest is heaving. I am soaked but I am warm. I stand and watch the storm move on. I am a long way from the log staircase that goes up to the road where I now live. Where I have a bedroom that has always been my own, ever since mom and dad split up.Dad is pulling into the driveway when I get there. He asks what the hell I have been doing. His voice is full of concern. I tell him I was venting. I tell him I love him. He gets tears in his eyes when he tell sme he loves me back.